Hot on the heels of the Covid pandemic, many parents and carers will be struggling to know how to speak to their children and assuage their anxiety about the ongoing crisis in Ukraine. Here are a few tips.
A good starting point is to consider your own reactions to the war and how you are managing those. It’s hard not to get anxious when we see daily images of cities being bombed, people fleeing with their families and the loss of life and human suffering caused by war. But our emotional state and the reactions we have filter down to our children. Children learn and develop by modelling and observing the behaviour of adults. So if you are anxious and worried about the war, this will filter down to your children, regardless of how open or otherwise you are being with them about it.
Don’t deny what is going on, because they will pick up on it anyway. “Even if you don’t expose them to news, children will realise that something is going on,” psychologist Philippa Perry told The Guardian. “It may not concern younger children at all, but those who are a bit older may well be worried and even work themselves up into a frenzy.”
Be as truthful as you can with your children, but in a way that still feels safe for them. Remember that as parents and carers, we are their safe place, so it can be better for them to hear about what’s going on from us than from the news or from friends. Many older children, especially, will want to hear our take on events in Ukraine, because hearing about if from someone they trust will feel reassuring to them. And of course they have their own access to news on smartphones anyway.
Perhaps open a conversation by asking children what they know already about the conflict and allow them time to express their thoughts and feelings – without criticism or judgement. Show them that you understand why they are worried. While it can be tempting to try to minimise feelings that we may see as “undesirable” for children, such as fear or worry, this can be counterproductive and doesn’t help them. Children need their parents and carers to validate their feelings.
“Don’t tell them not to be sad or scared, because sadness and fear are normal and natural reactions to frightening situations,” said Jill Attree, a grief specialist and training provider.
Help your children to feel heard, because this will help to assuage their anxiety and find ways forward. Be honest, too, that you don’t have all the answers. It’s okay to say ,“I’m sorry, but I don’t have the answer to that question.” Make yourself available to talk without distractions.
While it’s positive if children can feel empathy for people who are being bombed or fleeing their homes, it’s important too that they appreciate the relative peace they have and continue to enjoy simple pleasures without feeling guilty. “Get outside and kick a ball around (or however you usually have fun with your children),” Perry told The Guardian.
Dr Jeri Tikare, clinical psychologist at digital mental health provider, Kooth, agrees that now, more than ever, play is an important tool to support children. “Playing and having fun with your children more at this time can be helpful, as it can provide a sense of distraction and help them feel more relaxed,” he said.
Parents and carers know what their children need to feel safe and it will, of course, depend on the individual child – for some children, it will be a cuddle, while for others, it will be playing a game or doing something physical together.
Five tips for talking to your child about Ukraine
- Make time to listen. Give children space to ask questions and express their feelings when they want to. Stop what you are doing and find a comfortable space to sit and talk to your child.
- Tailor the conversation to the child’s needs. Older children will have more questions than younger children, plus they will likely have more access to the news through smartphones. Answer questions honestly, but keep your replies as simple as possible.
- Validate children’s feelings. It’s important for children to feel heard about their worries and concerns and to feel understood. If they feel they can talk openly to you about their upset, this will go a long way to relieving their anxiety.
- Be a source of reassurance. Let them know that it isn’t their problem to “solve” - and that, despite the suffering that is going on, they shouldn’t feel bad about doing the things they enjoy.
- Give children a practical way to help. Getting involved helps children feel useful and not helpless. Children could get involved in fundraising or help collect donations for people in Ukraine. Challenging energy into helping others can sometimes help to relieve anxious feelings about people’s suffering and give a sense of purpose.
Source: Save the Children/World Economic Forum
Sources for this article: The Guardian, The Independent, World Economic Forum
If you or your child need help with your mental health, you can find sources of local support on this website.
